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I wrote the below post when pretty fed up and angry. Every human has her limits, me included.
Being bombarded by “input” from a lot of external sources that filtered out my good qualities and amplified my weakness, telling me I was “this” or “that,” eventually got to me. Sure it did. Especially when those sources were attacking my kids, my husband, and my other family at the same time. Had me like, whatever, I’m tired, so if you so say so, then fine (how you feel when worn down). Choose your battles, right?
Yet, when I scroll back and remember what we went through, I don’t just see my moments of weakness. I see an incredibly patient person who had some really rotten, overwhelming forces work hard to test her limits. Yeah, I see some cringe-worthy “feelings.” But I also see a strong, unfiltered, determined girl who refused to give up on God.
I don’t know, but I think it is better to struggle with God and be real about it than to pretend life is pretty, and simple, and one-dimensional all the time.
Life’s messy, man.
I read back over this post as if reading some third-person account, and I feel this mama’s hurt. It’s real. It’s raw. Even now when removed from the emotional hurt this mama felt, I still agree with this angry mama’s words.
She’s right. Yeah, I know, some of y’all gonna read too literally and miss the figurative expressions that pour out of a heart-quake (like an earthquake, but inside-out instead of outside-in). Whatever, man. Judgers gonna judge. Nobody can be “right” by doing “wrong.” Witness tampering and obstructing justice have foreseeable consequences. It’s dangerous and reckless to dabble in these dark arts.
It’s time we get real with ourselves.
It’s time we get real with each other. It’s a cop out to pretend our account with God is the only account we have open. Our main account is with God, and godly forgiveness, grace, and salvation resets that account. That’s huge, of course. But we gotta be real, y’all. We live on this planet with a lot of other people. You and yours and me and mine ain’t the only ones God loves. How we treat (or mistreat) our neighbors, it matters. It matters big.
We ain’t got no business doing God’s work if we can’t commit to loving all His children. All of His children. We ain’t got no business preaching God’s word if we are treating each other worse than the non-believing atheists among us. And it would be better for us to be kind, compassionate atheists than to call ourselves “godly” and tolerate or help commit intentional harms to our brothers and sisters on this planet. Because that, my friends, is blasphemy. That ain’t quenching the Spirit. That’s intentionally killing the Spirit. You ain’t gotta be Jesus or Isaiah or Abraham or Moses to know that ain’t good.
After writing this post, I found a lesson and balmy healing in James I:
“Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him. Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man.”
Not everything is this life is good all the time, but God sure is, y’all. Don’t know about you, but I’m mighty blessed. Below is my original post . . .
You killed God. You knowingly and intentionally killed truth. And justice. And goodness. And light. You knowingly and intentionally wanted to kill me. You beat and beat and beat and beat me into submission. Beat me into a nothingness. Ground me into sand.
Have your evil Heaven.
I choose Hell.
With the innocent. With the honest. With the good you killed. The truth you killed. The justice you killed. The light you darkened. The innocent you murdered.
What does life matter? You’re all “lawyers,” really. Dirty lawyers. Robbing and stealing. You granted yourselves “Power of Attorney” for God. And the justice system. You changed the terms of God’s contract.
You steal and hoard mercy and grace and peace and salvation in corrupt coffers.
You cheat the blameless out of mercy. And grace. And peace.
This is goodbye.
I don’t hate you. I will forgive (again and again and again). But I will NEVER again respect you. Or like you. Or trust you. Not as I once did. Not for any foreseeable future. Not as you are now.
You showed me who the devil is. You showed others, too. It’s you. You have no “holy” insight.
If you couldn’t discern truth, then you can’t discern the spirit of God.
You’re frauds. Justifying yourselves. Making yourselves gods. Cheapening beautiful salvation. Burning justice for a selfish sacrifice before your gold idols. You built prideful statues out of “heritage,” and “history,” and “tradition.” You crucify Christ again and again.
You killed my 14 year old’s innocent belief that, if you tell the truth and do what’s right, eventually good and God will overcome evil. My light-hearted, always joking boy got serious and hugged his mama while she sobbed. He said, “They did you dirty, Mom. Not a single one of them is going to Heaven. They’ll all have to answer to God one day.”
But you think Heaven is yours. Fine. Take it. I am too tired to fight you for it.
I don’t want anything to do with you. There’s nothing you have I want. There is nothing you can say I care to hear. Go ahead and talk at your pulpits. In your offices. Pray your insincere self-serving prayers. Sign those checks to make your mock God answer them. I am done. You had no testimony when God called you to speak truth. Your testimony wasn’t God-serving. It was self-serving. It lacks authenticity. It lacks courage. It lacks candor. It lacks credibility. It lacks Spirit.
You extinguish hope. Your world is no world I desire to be in. My beautiful children–my incredible students–all beautiful souls who deserve safe, peaceable existence. I wanted that for them. But thanks to you, I know it does not exist.
I WAS merciful. I DID forgive. I DID show you grace. You were neither merciful, nor honest. Nor holy. Nor godly. Nor loving. Nor humble. Nor graceful. Nor kind. Nor respectful.
You took my grace, my mercy, and you cheated. You are Liars. And Cheats. And Thieves. You used me. When I came to you in honesty, sincerity, truth, and trust, you stamped a tag on me and offered me up as the “catch” in a commercial hunt. Forced me to play fox for sport. You declared open season. You debased me more. You exposed me and my loved ones to new predators. And with smirks and winks, you showed me and others you took pleasure in it.
Never again. Never.
What do I want? I don’t want your blood money. I don’t want your corrupt power. I want nothing of your godless “church” and your unjust “justice system.”
I wanted freedom. Freedom and peace.
Freedom from crimes committed against me (freedom from blame for any other victims). Freedom from your lies. Freedom from your imposed shame–shame for something I didn’t do.
Yes. I. Wrote. The. Truth. And I wanted freedom to live in truth.
I wanted freedom from patent, disturbing, unreasonable coercive control.
I wanted freedom from people who were apathetic to those who abusively manipulate and exert coercive control over others.
Because, delusional me, I believed whoever the Son made free was free indeed. And, delusional me, I believed God granted all people, even sinners, free will.
(No one–not even the vilest sinner–deserves to be abused, physically, sexually, psychologically, emotionally, or spiritually. No one–not even those you judge as “holy”–has God’s OR the State’s permission to abuse saints OR sinners.)
I did NOT desire control over anyone else. I did NOT abuse you. Or your loved one. Or your client. Or your friend.
Your loved one, your client, your friend abused and violated norms. Violated me. Crossed boundaries. Crossed my boundaries. Again and again and again and again. Without consent. I merely wanted control of my own person. My own body. My own identity. My own experience. My own testimony. My truth. Me.
Delusional me to think that was reasonable.
I wasn’t the only one to say he had no consent. That’s what he said, too. He said that to me. To my mother (he admitted to my mother he did everything just as I said). He said it to many of you. He absolutely said it to me when I finally confronted him. And he said it to the police, whether he lied about all the details or not.
Some of you didn’t “want to know” truth. You had no right to your fiction of my experience. Because you were so committed to your dangerous fiction, I had every right to declare the truth about my experience. I told you there were present flags, present boundary violations.
But you didn’t (and don’t) care. You wouldn’t (won’t) hear truth.
Lying serves your interest better than the truth.
You wanted to believe your own fictions. With anger. Haughtiness. Indignation. Unholy arrogance.
So go ahead and take your fiction to your fictional hypocrite’s Heaven. I don’t care anymore about your godless, truth-fearing, performance-based, unholy version of “holiness.”
Just know when one of your kids, grandkids, nieces, nephews, cousins, or friends is sexually harassed, sexually molested (abused), or raped by violence, confinement, vulnerable attack, or coercive threat of harm or humiliation (because statistically it will happen–not by some stranger, but at the hands of someone you trust), don’t bother reporting. You made yourselves kings on an unholy throne. You mocked responsibility. You ridiculed accountability. You hunted victims. You killed truth. You loved lies. You falsely judged the truthful. You freightened other witnesses. You made sure NO victims will have a safe space to come forward in your kingdom. Not even the 33% of your own who will be victimized by their 18th birthdays.
I wanted healing for myself. And the other wounded survivors with cloaks of shame forced on them. I wanted them to be free. Because God wants them to be free.
What an evil “bitch,” right? (Not profanity here. A female dog–what you made sure I knew I was and how you made sure others would see me.)
You let me know freedom wasn’t possible. Was never possible. Will never be possible. You made excuses for him. You justified evil and let him keep the human spoils of his crime. He wouldn’t let me be free. You’ll never let me be free. Never let others be free. Not when the devil is you, yourself, or one of yours. When the devil is your brother. Or husband. Or son-in-law. Or cousin. Or nephew. Or son. Or friend.
Or your “boy.” “Bros before [sleeping] hoes” and all. Think that’s vulgar? Yeah, I agree.
But if words–mere social constructs–of symbols making up phonemes (sounds) offend you more than the actual conduct the words describe, then your priorities are pretty messed up. Your principles are weak.
You have no stable standard.
Time will pass. Truth will remain. Forgiveness reconciles the past. It’s not future consideration. It is not an entitlement to blind trust.
You made it clear, your foot will always be on my neck. You will forever make this life a prison.
May God have mercy on you.
Because here is what I know. Truth WILL prevail. In this life. And the next. You think this is the end?
It is just the beginning.
The real God will reveal himself.
In His time.
The real God’s will cannot be corrupted by your financial endorsements.
The real God’s standard is firm.
The real God allies himself with truth.
The real God is an advocate for the used, the cheated, the abused, the tormented, the pillaged, the plundered, the exposed, the battered, the broken, the forced, the tortured.
You judged me unholy and sentenced me to death for daring to speak truth.
You wanted me dead? Fine. In the death you manufactured, I find freedom. And victory.
You “tethered” me (and my devices) to a heap of straw lies and lit a match.
You wanted me to burn? Fine. I choose the fire. With all the others who chose fire before me. With all the others who died before me.
Yes. My sane, honest, clear, rational mind would rather be in Hell with all the innocents you murdered than any mock Heaven with you. Yours is a hypocrite’s Heaven. An ugly Heaven. You designed Heaven into a Liar’s Lair. A shame shack. Full of fat-bellied frauds. And fake faces. No thanks.
I lost almost everything to speak truth. That’s all I “gain” out of this. And that is fine. I will take truth with me to Hell.
I choose an honest Hell. With weeds and wild flowers. With truth, raw truth. And justice. And honesty. And courage.
And all the innocents you murdered. Continue to murder.
I will walk through Hell fire with the ones you destroyed, cast out, and buried. Because the real God is with ME. His Son was one of those murdered Innocents.
My 14-year-old is right. Your path, paved in cowardly lies, fraud, and deceit, isn’t going to cut it with the real God. Walking through this Hell is the path to the real Heaven.
This is a small sample of this manufactured 24/7 Hell. Special kind of evil.
Delusional me for thinking such patent and criminal boundary crossing (bullying on steroids) targeting not only me, but also my children, unacceptable.
These are not “blessings” from God.
They are crimes committed by men and women. This evidences abnormal, illegal boundary violations.
Pretty outrageous to most of us that any would feel entitled to do this kind of stuff to others. Not so unbelievable from people who justify and normalize sexual abuse. Sexual abuse usually begins with disregard for nonsexual boundaries. An exmple of such nonsexual boundary crossing? A man who sexually violated a female more than once later gives his son that victim’s first name.
☝️TRUTH is not for sale. It cannot be buried. I will not pretend my name is not “Shannon” to make you comfortable in your evil. That is not my responsibility.
People of the real God do not fear truth.
It was you, not I, who was hard-hearted and bitter. It was you, not I, who was double-dealing falsely. It was you, not I, who collaborated to criminally cross boundaries again.
Engineer more evil. Misrepresent yourselves. Steal identities. Prey on those who loved and trusted you. Distort reality.
It was your will to assist. Lend yourselves and your money as instruments of sin. One day you’ll see, I could’ve played dirty but I didn’t. I endured your manufactured Hell with a hellfire designed to consume.
It was God’s will for me to survive.
You did not heed my warnings. And these crimes? They aren’t misdemeanors. (Though, to be clear, ABHAN is a serious common law crime functioning as a felony, unlike more modern misdemeanors).
You did not merely try to discredit a witness.
This is the business of someone who, when he or she does not have favorable facts, elaborately works to create an appearance of more favorable facts. Appearance isn’t reality. Professionals can snuff out and sort fiction from fact.
This is the work of someone who isn’t seeking truth, but someone who is actively hurting and harming others to silence truth.
This isn’t the work of God. (But many of you were already celebrating like it was. 🙄👌)
You did not stop with hurting me.
You were so cold, so cruel, so callous, so sinful (oh, yes, sinful), so criminal, so evil that you went after my children, my husband, and my parents, too.
My 14 y.o. said you did me dirty? You did HIM dirty (he doesn’t even know just how dirty, thank goodness). You did my (then) 17 y.o. dirty. You did my young daughter dirty.
They did NOTHING to you. But you did them dirty. And many of you took pleasure in doing it. Encouraged it. Rejoiced in it. Celebrated it.
(Forgive me for not liking you much.)
You sought to inflict (and did, in fact, inflict) emotional and psychological pain on more innocents. Innocents who loved and trusted you. Who called you “uncle” and “aunt” (whether blood family or not). Who called you friend. Who held you out as people who, at the end of the day, disagreements aside, would tell the truth, would protect, would help (not hurt), would love.
Those responsible include all with actual knowledge or constructive knowledge (those who reasonably should have known given circumstances—if you followed my posts, then this includes you). That list may be long:
those acting as “monitors” for direct participants,
those acting as “facilitators” for direct participants,
those financially backing direct participants,
those cheering on direct participants, and
those knowingly and willfully benefitting from direct participants.
Now, God’s will, not yours, be done.
“Comfort ye, comfort ye my people, saith your God.
2 Speak ye comfortably to Jerusalem, and cry unto her, that her warfare is accomplished, that her iniquity is pardoned: for she hath received of the Lord‘s hand double for all her sins.
3 The voice of him that crieth in the wilderness, Prepare ye the way of the Lord, make straight in the desert a highway for our God.
4 Every valley shall be exalted, and every mountain and hill shall be made low: and the crooked shall be made straight, and the rough places plain:
5 And the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together: for the mouth of the Lord hath spoken it.
6 The voice said, Cry. And he said, What shall I cry? All flesh is grass, and all the goodliness thereof is as the flower of the field:
7 The grass withereth, the flower fadeth: because the spirit of the Lord bloweth upon it: surely the people is grass.
8 The grass withereth, the flower fadeth: but the word of our God shall stand for ever.
9 O Zion, that bringest good tidings, get thee up into the high mountain; O Jerusalem, that bringest good tidings, lift up thy voice with strength; lift it up, be not afraid; say unto the cities of Judah, Behold your God!
10 Behold, the Lord God will come with strong hand, and his arm shall rule for him: behold, his reward is with him, and his work before him.
11 He shall feed his flock like a shepherd: he shall gather the lambs with his arm, and carry them in his bosom, and shall gently lead those that are with young.
12 Who hath measured the waters in the hollow of his hand, and meted out heaven with the span, and comprehended the dust of the earth in a measure, and weighed the mountains in scales, and the hills in a balance?
13 Who hath directed the Spirit of the Lord, or being his counsellor hath taught him?
14 With whom took he counsel, and who instructed him, and taught him in the path of judgment, and taught him knowledge, and shewed to him the way of understanding?
15 Behold, the nations are as a drop of a bucket, and are counted as the small dust of the balance: behold, he taketh up the isles as a very little thing.
16 And Lebanon is not sufficient to burn, nor the beasts thereof sufficient for a burnt offering.
17 All nations before him are as nothing; and they are counted to him less than nothing, and vanity.
18 To whom then will ye liken God? or what likeness will ye compare unto him?
19 The workman melteth a graven image, and the goldsmith spreadeth it over with gold, and casteth silver chains.
20 He that is so impoverished that he hath no oblation chooseth a tree that will not rot; he seeketh unto him a cunning workman to prepare a graven image, that shall not be moved.
21 Have ye not known? have ye not heard? hath it not been told you from the beginning? have ye not understood from the foundations of the earth?
22 It is he that sitteth upon the circle of the earth, and the inhabitants thereof are as grasshoppers; that stretcheth out the heavens as a curtain, and spreadeth them out as a tent to dwell in:
23 That bringeth the princes to nothing; he maketh the judges of the earth as vanity.
24 Yea, they shall not be planted; yea, they shall not be sown: yea, their stock shall not take root in the earth: and he shall also blow upon them, and they shall wither, and the whirlwind shall take them away as stubble.
25 To whom then will ye liken me, or shall I be equal? saith the Holy One.
26 Lift up your eyes on high, and behold who hath created these things, that bringeth out their host by number: he calleth them all by names by the greatness of his might, for that he is strong in power; not one faileth.
27 Why sayest thou, O Jacob, and speakest, O Israel, My way is hid from the Lord, and my judgment is passed over from my God?
28 Hast thou not known? hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary? there is no searching of his understanding.
29 He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength.
30 Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall:
31 But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.”
Follower of Jesus, law student, veteran teacher, mother, wife, daughter, advocate, survivor--I am each of these. I am a Lesser Light. Matthew 5:16. Visit thelesserlights.com to learn how you, too, can be a Lesser Light.